the sky is just starting to turn pink, the sun will be up before too long. and here i am still awake, and blogging AGAIN. i guess i just feel like i need someone to talk to and this is as close as i get to real human interaction.
you know when you're starting to get tired and your mind hasn't switched off yet. instead it's racing and tripping over itself. i love this time. usually it's when i get some really good writting done. other times though i dwell on things. things that can't be changed. that shouldn't be changed. and even if i could or should i'm not sure what i really want to change.
i've been thinking alot about aliens and mountain climbing. not together, although i wonder if aliens would be good climbers.
i'm looking at the stupid pic while i'm writting and hating it. i can't stand being vain, yet i am. i've always admired the people who seem so comfortable in their skin. i am not. i don't want to care about looks, and worry only about who i am. but i run everyday, not for health reasons, not to play soccer better, not even to pass my run for the army, but to shed a few pounds so maybe i'll look better. i find myself leaving the tv on a channel that's showing some new amazing hair-regrowing product and wondering if it really works.
i love online games. there you are admired or despised simply on you ability and atitude.
i'm tired of bars. i love to have a few drinks with good friends at a nice quiet place, but that doesn't seem to be what i do anymore. i go to bars to hang out with some people i only kind of like. and i drink, not because i like it, although i do, but because it makes me feel good. i miss just hanging out at someones house and watching movies or playing video games. i miss going to coffee shops and talking about politics and philosophy and relgion. and pretending that any of us have any clue what we're talking about. i miss long drives with a good friend and some good music. i miss me.
loneliness isn't a sad thing for me anymore. i've realized that God uses it to force me to examine myself. and no i don't like what i see. and it's not that i see a fat, balding, loser. i see an apathetic, bitter, fool.
"as a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool returns to his folly."
again and again i've turned my back on God. not in open rebellion, but in quiet neglect. a soul has to be fed just like the body and i've starved mine for so long yet i expect it to be strong when i need it too.
so in my solitude i will find strength. not a strength based in physical beauty, but my body is a temple and it will be well adorned. not a strength based on realtionships with others. but i will keep those who can stand by me and wonder at the awesomeness of this life. and for those who only want my company so they won't be drinking alone, and for those who i see only when i beg for their company, - i don't need you anymore. for those of you who do love and care for me. please don't think this is some sorta self-loathing rant, or an attempt at pity. be happy for me. my skin feels like it's fitting a little better now.
for now i'll fix myself a cup of tea. go outside and have another cigarette. and hope i remember this all when i wake up.
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